Fahrenheit 131

You know, I've seen some crazy stuff in my day and I've read my share of Star Wars and Ray Bradbury novels. But friends, we're living in interesting times. Dare I say apocalyptic?

Being in the military I heard wind of a new non-lethal weapons system that "they" in the R&D department were tying out. After seeing the headline in the email news brief I was hooked. I had to read it.

MILITARY SHOWS OFF NEW RAY GUN

How can you say no to that headline?

So apparently our boys in green (though the new uniforms are more bluish) have thrown together a bonafide laser ray gun. Seriously. A ray gun. Han Solo would be proud.

When fired upon humans, the 130 degree beam makes its victims feel as though they are ABOUT to catch fire. Of course they don't actually catch on fire, that would be the job of a flame thrower (old school and low tech). No sir. In this day and age it's the anticipation that one might suddenly burst into flames that is most alarming and pointedly non-lethal.

The Army is going to use the ray gun (RG) to disperse crowds and to generally get people to do what they want with the motivation of near-combustion.

I think the same principle is used by small children with magnifying glasses hunkered over an unsuspecting ant hill. When that dot of light hits those tiny ant bodies -- they start moving. Unfortunately, on occasion there are a few ants that actually get burned and don't make it back into the anthill. But that's a different matter.

But yeah, to test it out at the expose', a group of civilians and journalists VOLUNTEERED to be shot by the RG. I can only imagine how Captain Suckemsilly persuaded them to participate:

"OK, so we need some volunteers from the crowd to be shot with the experimental and largely unpredicable laser ray gun. All participants will receive a one-week extension on his or her tax return and a signed letter of appreciation from the President for helping to fight terrorism. SO...any takers?"

Han Solo would not do that. Those volunteers are unsmart. I'm sure that thing causes cancer.

So yeah, we're living in interesting times people. But remember, if in the future you feel a warmish laser beam hit you on the battle field, know that you're not REALLY on fire. It just seems like you are.